“I’m So…. Lone-Ly”

I absolutely hate feeling lonely, and lately the feelings have been getting pretty bad. I’m sure to most people it doesn’t make sense because I do enjoy being around people AND I live with my boyfriend, but you’d be surprised to actually know how I truly feel most of the time.

Dalton and I’s schedules have clashed very hard this semester, and its been extremely tough on me. I work and go to class all day, and when I get home, he’s either at his night classes OR he’s doing things with the fraternity and their pledges. I hate that we don’t even have time to sit down and enjoy a nice dinner together anymore. Even though I still have the opportunity to cuddle up with him at night, I still miss him so much. The weekends are not any better because he’s always gone off to the Alabama games with his family. I understand that all these priorities we have, have to take place before we can attend to our relationship, but man- the circumstances just stink! I’m glad, though, that whatever small amount of time we can actually spend with each other is awesome and always leaves me with a smile and feeling little butterflies in my stomach.

I’m an only child, so for the most part I’m very used to being by myself. But I guess because, as I’ve gotten older and I’ve created some strong bonds with a select amount of people, I feel lonely when they’re not around. I’m lucky if I get a chance to hang out with my best friend Sherry. She’s a nursing major, so you can imagine how funkafied her schedule is (I think I just made that word up…). But, I’m not gonna lie- those feelings are worse when Dalton isn’t around. He’s my lover, my best friend, and my better half. I almost feel like a part of me is truly missing when he’s not around.

I worry about him wanting to join the military once he graduates. If I can’t deal with our crazy schedules now, I’m terrified to think of how emotionally straining it’ll be when he’s constantly gone to a different state, or even a different country! I just can’t handle that thought!

I’ve been seeing a therapist lately (which I’m still afraid to tell people, because I don’t want to be judged), and this is the next issue that we’re going to tackle and talk through (I may or may not choose to mention the REAL reason why I’m seeing a therapist later…). I hope we work on ways for me to learn how to handle these feelings, because they’re quite stressful and draining. I’m having too hard of a time dealing.

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Going back to the roots….

I just got done eating a VERY Puerto Rican meal of pasteles… and I got to thinking… these won’t be around forever.  I usually get them from my grandmother in Puerto Rico, but she hasn’t made us any in quite some time because she’s getting older (and making them takes ALOT of work).  My mom knows how to make them, but claims she never has the time, so we found a lady that makes them and we buy them from her.   She also makes these DELICIOUS little things called alcapurrias.  Before I go on…. I’ll show you the foreign things I’m talking about:

These are like CRACK!

These are alcapurrias.  Basically it’s a batter made of green bananas and taro root (yautia) or yucca root filled with either seasoned ground beef or seasoned ground pork.  You fry them up, and they look like this.  Even though when they first come out the fryer, they kind of look like oblong turds, they taste amazing.  This is typical Puerto Rican Soul Food.

This is what I had for dinner!

These are pasteles…. They’re almost the same concept of an alcapurria, having a batter made of green bananas, plantians, and yucca root and then stuffed with cooked pork shoulder.  But instead of frying these, you boil them inside a banana leaf.  So when you get done making them, you wrap them in a banana leaf, and then aluminum foil, and you boil them while they’re still wrapped.  It’s kinda cute actually because when they get done cooking (usually about an hour to boil), it’s like unwrapping a little present!  Again, they may not look appealing to most people, but they are another example of good ‘ol Puerto Rican Soul Food.

Ok- so back to my point.

I got to thinking…. I need to learn how to make these for my family someday, and hell, even my kids if I have them.  I can’t let that part of my culture fade.  Which, in reality, it probably wouldn’t because (1) I love cooking and learning new recipes and (2) I’d find someone to make them for me if I couldn’t… but I just realized how important food really is to one’s culture and keeping it alive. 

Now, I’m not a sorry excuse for a Puerto Rican.  I can still throw down in the kitchen with some other native food.  The most popular being my pastelillos de carne (Beef Turnovers):

Mmmmm!

All my friends love these.  I made them with sausage once and they were out of this world.  Fattening…. but amazing :). I also know how to make some really good pink beans and white rice. 

I think some of my next culinary adventures will take me back to my roots.  I’m really wanting to attempt to make some alcapurrias for the holidays (that’s traditional holdiay food for us) and I would really LOVE to make some flan.  I guess over the next month or so I’ll be exploring various recipes and I’ll try them out on Dalton (since he’s quite honest about my cooking).  I’ll keep everyone updated. 🙂

The Time is Here!

So, I just got off the phone with my mother, and we just had THE talk…..

 

Haha- no silly, not THAT kind of talk; the talk about me getting a NEW CAR!  Because I’m the first one to graduate from college in my family, as many of you know, I feel that the fruits of my labor should be rewarded with something spectacular.  And that something, for me at least, is definitely a new car.

Right now I’m driving a 1996 Nissan Sentra.  It looks a little something like this:

My car is actually white, but other than that, this is basically it.

My car has been through a lot (not as much as most, but enough for me to make this statement).  Let’s see…. The CarFax in a condensed form is basically this:

  • My mom hit a parked car, thus putting  a dent into the back bumper (that somehow magically disappeared a week later).
  • I rear ended someone trying to answer my phone (the person who got hit happened to be high as a kite, so we didn’t call the cops, and he never went after me.  Fair enough….)
  • I got side-swiped by a guy in a big ass truck who had no car insurance (we didn’t call the cops on that one either, because I felt bad about possibly sending him to jail.  He was nice enough to pay me back for everything he owed me on damage)
  • Something happened to my CV Axle a couple years back… you’ll have to ask my dad about that one.
  • There’s also something iffy about my transmission… not sure what it is- again, you’ll have to ask my dad.

 

Anywho, you can definitely tell it’s time for something new…. something that says, “Hey- she’s a young professional.”  So here are my options that I’m looking at… (used, of course, because I don’t need a 2012 when a 2008 or higher can do the same thing):

2008-2010 Ford Escape

This is my number ONE choice.  I would prefer it in this same exact color, with a sunroof and a 4 cyl (even though Dalton claims that I NEED a 6 cyl… LOL).

 

I wouldn't mind onein this color either. And I do like the roof rack.

2009-2010 Nissan Sentra

Ok, so I didn’t think I’d actually consider another Sentra, BUT, they are relatively inexpensive and pretty decent cars.  And either way, this is heaven compared to what I’m driving now, so it’s a contender.

 

2008-2009 Volkwagen Jetta

I’ve always loved Jettas.  Great cars for a good price.  The Germans just really know what they’re doing when it comes to cars.  And this one is relatively in the same price range as my other two options (anything below $20,000, LOL).

 

As you can tell I’m looking for either a compact SUV with good gas mileage or a small sedan with the same thing.

So what do you all think? Good options? What would you choose? Any suggestions for other options to consider?

 

They Have Apps For Everything!

I just discovered the WordPress for Blackberry app, which has now made me that more addicted to this device that I like to refer to as my Crackberry. Mmm 🙂

Have you ever asked yourself if this whole app thing goes too far? I mean, let’s think about it… Any sort of Apple handheld product (iPhone, iPad, iPod) has the capability to download apps from a selection of thousands (yes- THOUSANDS). Is this too much? What hgappened to the good ‘ol days of playing solitaire with actual cards and actual people? Or playing the piano… In real life, not by thumping on a screen? Haha.

It’s amazing the things we can do with these little handheld devices. However, it sucks that our lifestyles in this day and age pretty much require us to have everything in the palm of our hand, not because our work has been made easier, but because we have so much work that it requires us to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible.

My point with all this is basically to just take a moment to step away from technology and do something enjoyable that doesn’t involve it. Go to the park. Read a novel (without a handheld e-reader, lol). Shop! Spend time with the ones you love, in person. Cook, but look up the recipe in an actual cookbook! It’s the little things in life that help to refocus you and keep you happy. Try one!

When did it become so wrong?

A friend asked me today, “So Kayra, when are you graduating?”, and I responded happily “This May!”  He said, “Whoah aren’t you graduating early?” And I said, “No, I just didn’t fuck around in college. I came to graduate, not stay here.”

Now, granted, I did say that in a joking manner.  But I did mean it.  These past couple days I’ve been feeling like people have been looking down upon me for being successful and actually on top of things.  When did that become so wrong?

When did it become to wrong to get an A on every test?  “Oh you must have given him a blow-job to get the answers.”  “No actually, I just wasn’t stupid and didn’t get completely trashed the night before.  It’s called studying- try it sometime”. 

When did it become so wrong to particpate in class discussions?  “No one cares, just shut up and move on.”  “Yeah, tell me the same thing when you’re attending one of my seminars about success trying to learn how to be successful yourself.”

When did it become so wrong to actually work more than 20 hours a week to make some extra money to avoid asking mommy and daddy for help? I may not have as many cool stories to tell about my college years when I get older, but I’ll be making enough money to create better stories for my future.  I doubt you can say the same.

I probably sound like some bitch who doesn’t like to have fun.  I LOVE to have fun, so let me clarify that.  I just actually understand the concept of there being a time for work, and a time for play. 

I, by no means, am some goody-two-shoes or anything, but, like I’ve said before, but it just seems so easy to do the right things in life.  Stay out of trouble.  Make something of yourself.  Trust me- it’s not a bad route in life to take.

Creeper.

Creeper.  The future is a major creeper in my life right now?  Why?  Because it’s approaching ever so rapidly.  I applied for graduation today, and I’ll probably pre-order my cap and gown by the end of the week.  Now it feels official that graduation is only about 200 days away.  That means the major decision of what I want to do with my life is about 200 days away as well.  I’m contemplating going to graduate school at my current institution and getting my Master’s degree in Organizational Leadership.  I’m also contemplating just working full time and saving money for a new car (which I could really use) and possibly a better place to live with Dalton.  His decision about his future scares me as well; we don’t talk about it much, mainly because I’m still not 100% supportive of his wanting to go into the military when he graduates.  I would much rather prefer him in law school, and I actually think he’d do spectacular if he chose that path.  Maybe I need to quit looking at this from the “me” standpoint and start looking at it from the “we” standpoint.  Whatever my decision is has to be the best for the both of us and our future together.  This is crazy!  I would have never thought that these kinds of decisions would creep up on me so fast!  I think I have an idea of what I want to do, but I have faith that everything will fall into place, how they always do.  I just have to continue to remind myself to keep being patient.  Patience is a virtue that I’m still managing to comprehend.

What? Kayra has a blog?

That’s right ladies and gents, I have decided to finally get my own blog.  There’s no real particular reason for it.  It isn’t for a class or anything.  But after reading Kylie’s blog, I realized, “Hey, Blogging might be a good way to get all these incessant, pesky thoughts out of my brain.”  And plus, this is so much easier than journaling.  I tried doing a journal the summer that I spent away from Dalton, and it worked…. but then I somehow couldn’t make the time for it anymore.  Seeing as how I’m always on the computer, I figured this would be much easier.  And this is something that I fully intend to keep up.

What’s with my blog name?? Yeah, I’m still trying to figure it out myself! I figured… I may work on another name.  But for this moment, it seemed appropriate.